Why People Lie to You
Someone once said that he didn't understand why people lied to him. I don't know if the statement was directed to me, or to someone else, or if it was the '=(' at the end of the statement that he wished to emphasize. I can only think of 2 general reasons why people would lie to you.
1. They don't want to hurt your feelings.
Under this category comes fake orgasms, and parents shielding (or trying to shield) their kids from reality e.g. telling their children Grandpa went for a long vacation instead of telling them he's passed on.
2. They don't want you to think less of them.
Most people who lie to you probably fall into this category. Let's face it. The world out there is a harsh one. People don't normally do things if it doesn't benefit them somehow. The people who lie to you because of reason 1 do benefit somewhat, but they do believe you too somehow benefit from it. People who lie to you for reason 2 do it solely for their own gain.
Example 1: "It's because I'm concerned about ___ that's why I was digging for information."
If this person actually said that he/she tried to find out something because he/she was just being a busybody, or he/she just wanted to prove that his/her hunch was right in the first place (especially after being told that he/she was wrong), you'd probably think less of this person. However, when this action was apparently carried out in an altruistic spirit, not only would this not belittle the person in your eyes, it might actually make you feel guilty about even entertaining thoughts on how this person may be overstepping his/her boundaries in his/her quest for the truth.
Example 2: "And no, I dont think i'll be playing bridge with __ anytime in the near or distant future. Or maybe even anyone else for that matter."
Sound familiar, Puffy? It was true when I said that (with the exception of Interclub which I had already paid for) ok! =P
Well, my actions didn't really betray my statement (I actually stopped playing bridge regularly for a couple of months), but let's say I did play. Bridge has to be played with partners, so it could have just been a polite refusal to play bridge with you. What would I have gained from this? If I wanted to retain you as a friend, and yet not play bridge with you (for whatever reasons), I'd tell you this, so you'd not really have a reason to be unhappy that I didn't play with you, and above all, I said that the reason was me, not you.
Let's say this statement was made to a semi-fixed partner, or a regular partner after the partnership ended. It would thus serve to indicate that the loss of this partner has either stranded this person without a partner, or made the person uninclined to find a new partner, i.e. the person who made that statement is portraying him/herself as the victim, and could possibly be garnering for sympathy or inducing guilt.
Example 3: "We are going to Jurong. We are going to Suntec. We are going to Hougang." (Both people then walk off really quickly).
These people want to be left alone but are somehow unable to tell you so. They probably think that telling you outright is impolite, so they lie to you instead. It is also possible that they think you would think less of them should they make up an excuse such as "We have to go to some choir meeting in NUS." which would get you to stop asking them if they want a lift. Although this is an extreme example, this happens quite alot with people who feel they will be happier without your presence, but don't want to tell you outright because it may show that they are incapable of tolerating your presence. There is only a fine line between people who lie for this reason and people who lie for reason 1; the main difference is that people who lie to you for reason 1 are geniunely concerned about you, and people who lie to you for reason 2 are concerned mainly for themselves.
So, if you're ever upset that someone has lied to you, just remember. They are either thinking of you, in which case you should be grateful someone actually does (even if the lie didn't help matters), or they are just selfish people thinking about themselves, in which case you should be happy that you caught them in the lie and can see them for who they really are.
1. They don't want to hurt your feelings.
Under this category comes fake orgasms, and parents shielding (or trying to shield) their kids from reality e.g. telling their children Grandpa went for a long vacation instead of telling them he's passed on.
2. They don't want you to think less of them.
Most people who lie to you probably fall into this category. Let's face it. The world out there is a harsh one. People don't normally do things if it doesn't benefit them somehow. The people who lie to you because of reason 1 do benefit somewhat, but they do believe you too somehow benefit from it. People who lie to you for reason 2 do it solely for their own gain.
Example 1: "It's because I'm concerned about ___ that's why I was digging for information."
If this person actually said that he/she tried to find out something because he/she was just being a busybody, or he/she just wanted to prove that his/her hunch was right in the first place (especially after being told that he/she was wrong), you'd probably think less of this person. However, when this action was apparently carried out in an altruistic spirit, not only would this not belittle the person in your eyes, it might actually make you feel guilty about even entertaining thoughts on how this person may be overstepping his/her boundaries in his/her quest for the truth.
Example 2: "And no, I dont think i'll be playing bridge with __ anytime in the near or distant future. Or maybe even anyone else for that matter."
Sound familiar, Puffy? It was true when I said that (with the exception of Interclub which I had already paid for) ok! =P
Well, my actions didn't really betray my statement (I actually stopped playing bridge regularly for a couple of months), but let's say I did play. Bridge has to be played with partners, so it could have just been a polite refusal to play bridge with you. What would I have gained from this? If I wanted to retain you as a friend, and yet not play bridge with you (for whatever reasons), I'd tell you this, so you'd not really have a reason to be unhappy that I didn't play with you, and above all, I said that the reason was me, not you.
Let's say this statement was made to a semi-fixed partner, or a regular partner after the partnership ended. It would thus serve to indicate that the loss of this partner has either stranded this person without a partner, or made the person uninclined to find a new partner, i.e. the person who made that statement is portraying him/herself as the victim, and could possibly be garnering for sympathy or inducing guilt.
Example 3: "We are going to Jurong. We are going to Suntec. We are going to Hougang." (Both people then walk off really quickly).
These people want to be left alone but are somehow unable to tell you so. They probably think that telling you outright is impolite, so they lie to you instead. It is also possible that they think you would think less of them should they make up an excuse such as "We have to go to some choir meeting in NUS." which would get you to stop asking them if they want a lift. Although this is an extreme example, this happens quite alot with people who feel they will be happier without your presence, but don't want to tell you outright because it may show that they are incapable of tolerating your presence. There is only a fine line between people who lie for this reason and people who lie for reason 1; the main difference is that people who lie to you for reason 1 are geniunely concerned about you, and people who lie to you for reason 2 are concerned mainly for themselves.
So, if you're ever upset that someone has lied to you, just remember. They are either thinking of you, in which case you should be grateful someone actually does (even if the lie didn't help matters), or they are just selfish people thinking about themselves, in which case you should be happy that you caught them in the lie and can see them for who they really are.
posted by Shelly at 5:29 PM
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